guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Randomize
