I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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