Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Randomize
