tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
