i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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