I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Randomize
