He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
