I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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