The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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