I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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