Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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