i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
