Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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