All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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