My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
