i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
