i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
