Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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