Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Michael Bay diarrhea
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
