Sry I called you an 8
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize