I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
