Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
