just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Randomize
