Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
