just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
