I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
