If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
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