Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
