He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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