I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
