i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
