My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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