you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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