my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
