everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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