My sheets look like a crime scene.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
