i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
