the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
You made out with two different species that night
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
