I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
