dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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