I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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