New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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