how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
