i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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