I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
