She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
