she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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