We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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