Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
