Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
