How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
