i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
