Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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