I cannot find my penis.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Randomize
